Picture this:

It’s 7:00 AM and your car is frozen solid. You can only see through the  2-inch hole that you carved out of your icy frozen window. You could make a pizza with all your eye crust, you’re that tired.

You’re coming around the corner and trying to roll down your frozen window so you’re ready to order. It’s stuck. So you decide, “no problem, I’ll just open the door and stick my head out like a golden retriever to place my order.”

When suddenly there it is….

It’s everything you’ve ever wanted!!! Yippee!

25 different advertisements shining through that two-inch submarine hole. You look quick because you’ve only got about 6 seconds before you either have to order, or, you slam your car into the monstrosity of a car ahead of you. They were equally as mesmerized.

And then you wake up and realize it wasn’t a dream.

I call this the billboard from hell.

To see the billboard from hell you’ll need to be visiting my local Tim Horton’s  drive-thru for your daily caffeine fix.

For some of these small businesses, this is it. This is marketing. This is where the entire monthly advertising budget is used up.

This is not marketing. This is a clusterbomb of crap plastered on some more crappy plywood.

A friend of mine once called and inquired about the rates to advertise on the billboard from hell. It was something ludicrous like $180 bucks a month.

I wonder if the bottom ads only have to pay half price since they’re half covered by a four foot snow drift?

Who’s the winner here? It’s certainly not the advertiser. Sure, it’s a high traffic location there’s no doubt about that. But the real winner is the guy who nailed up the crappy plywood.

Here’s my advice to every one of these businesses. Take that money next month and do something risky for your business.

I guarantee you’ll get better results.

So what’s risky?

Risky is something that makes you feel uneasy.

Risky is outside your normal comfort zone.

Risky is not just plastering up a 1×1 foot ad on the most distracting billboard you can find and hoping for the best.

If it makes you want to vomit tuna sandwiches, or you’re worried you’ll be laughed at, you’re on the right track.

If you’re an advertiser on the billboard from hell and you want some help figuring out something that’s risky, shoot me an email.